Temper Tantrums

     When your 16 month-old is lying on the ground screaming, it is a good idea to step back and look at the temper tantrum as a learned means of communication.

     The initial way all parents and infants interact is that the infant perceives a need (“I’m hungry”; “I’m wet”) and then cries. The parent responds to the cry by taking care of the need. After a while doing this, the pattern is well set.

     As he gets older, the child perceives needs that the parent may not agree with (“I want to play with the light socket”). So, naturally, the child cries, but the parent doesn’t seem to understand and won’t allow playing with the light socket. Earlier, when a parent didn’t take care of the child’s need, the child just cried louder and harder and then the parent came through. So, the child increases the volume but again, the parent doesn’t allow the behavior. This escalation continues because the child thinks that if he can just get the message across to the parent about how important it is for him to play with the light socket, the parent will allow it. Finally, it ends in a screaming, crying, frustrated puddle on the floor.

     This is a good time for the parent to sympathize with the child.  The parent has changed the rules and the good-old style of communication is no longer going to work. It is frustrating when we have to learn new ways to do things, but that’s life. Don’t let your child’s frustration become your frustration. Responding to the tantrum is the way to teach the child that this is still a valid way to communicate and we have all seen 10 year-olds who have been taught that. The nice thing about temper tantrums is that they are exhausting for the child and, therefore, self-limiting. If you can relax, smile and resist the urge to do anything, the temper tantrum always ends. When it does, it is time for everyone to take what we’ve learned and move on to the next adventure.