Sleeping with Mom and Dad

     The best way to deal with a problem is to not let it happen in the first place. Any time we, as parents, allow our children to do a behavior, we need to ask ourselves, “Is this something that I want them to continue?” Our children always learn much more from what we do than from what we tell them.

     Sleeping with Mom and Dad is a behavior that comes easy. Often, the children you had before you had children – your pets – were allowed to share the bed with you. Toddlers all want to sleep with their parents. The exhausted breastfeeding mom brings the infant back to bed “just to lie down for a minute”.

     Under one year of age, having an infant in bed with you is dangerous. The “Back-to-Sleep program (which places all infants in their own crib on their back on a firm mattress without soft things in the crib) has decreased the rate of Sudden Infant Death dramatically in all countries and cultures over the world.

     We don’t understand all the factors involved with Sudden Infant Death, but think about entrapment rather than suffocation. If you tried to hold an infant’s nose and mouth closed, the infant would cry and struggle. But if an infant’s face enters a soft pocket – like in a thick blanket or in a mother’s armpit – the infant doesn’t stop breathing, he just keeps re-breathing the same air – like a miner trapped in a coal mine. He quietly, without struggle, slips away.

    Most infants start out by sleeping in Mom and Dad’s room. Having the bassinette alongside the bed beats walking down the hall for those 3 am feedings. But soon you realize how much noise infants (and grown-ups) make when sleeping and you find that you are waking each other up. Move baby to his own room an never look back. When the toddler climbs out of bed crying and wants to sleep with you, you act as if he has just asked to walk on the moon. He is immediately sent back to his room. Remember that children learn from positive reinforcement. If I, as a toddler, get out of bed and get another hug, another glass of water or get gently tucked back in again, you can certainly expect to see me at 1 am tomorrow wanting the same thing. You don’t have to punish the child, but be sure the experience is not a positive one.  There is a series of children’s books about a badger named Francis which help parents deal with children’s behavior. In this case, “Bedtime for Francis” helps parents with the simple philosophy that says, ”If you think the monsters under your bed are scary, you should see how scary I am at two in the morning!”

     Then, as with any of the behavior changes parents deal with, you have to keep the new message up without exception. Children will retest you, but as soon as they are convinced that you mean what you say, they move on to something new. Remember it is not a “power struggle” and not “defiance”. Your child wants your love and approval more than anything in the world – he just wants to do what you do.