The Pause That Refeshes

     In almost every discipline/behavior advice-book there is one repeated message for parents: “take a breath”. Pausing before you react to your child’s behavior gives you a better chance of reacting in a way that will be positive for both you and your child. In some situations, you will need to give positive reinforcement, in others, negative reinforcement and, in others, no reaction at all. But, in every situation, taking a moment to dial down your emotional reaction and dial up your thought process will help you to strike the right parental tone.

     Children react immediately. Whatever they are feeling it is immediately out in the open. As a parent, it is hard not to be caught up in that reaction. An infant screams in frustration because he doesn’t know what is wrong with him, but knows something is wrong. The resulting guilt, irritation and frustration generated in the parent can lead the parent into a meltdown, too. The toddler who hits or bites can produce not only pain, but also fear, worry and anger in a parent – all of which can produce an emotional over-reaction unless the parent takes a “stop-and-breathe-deep” moment before reacting. The food-refusing five year-old is guaranteed to produce frustration. And teenagers go out of their way to get an emotional response from parents.

     Every interaction a parent has with a child teaches the child something. Too often, when I looked back and thought about an interaction I had with my children, I found myself thinking, “Well, I didn’t want to teach them THAT!” Most of those times, it was because I reacted immediately instead of taking a moment to consider what was really going on in the interaction and what my options for reaction were. Children lose control; parents don’t need to.

     That is not to say that a parent’s every response should be soft and sweet. Some behavior needs a firm, negative reinforcement and the best one is a stern, in-your-face, nothing-nice-about-it “NO”. But, even in those cases, an initial slight pause gives us the chance to think about the situation and decide how we want to react.

     For repeated behavior, consulting the discipline/behavior books and talking with your caregiver and other parents will give you options for the next time the child does the behavior. But, even when you’ve scripted a response, take that “O.K.-I’m-in-control-breath” first.  It’s better for both of you.