"Attatchment" Is Not "Being Glued-To"

     Attachment Parenting is a popular movement. It represents the far swing of the opinion pendulum away from Spock’s “don’t spoil your child” school. Like all dogmas, it contains the implicit threat that if you don’t parent the “right” way, your child will have lots of problems (most of which you caused).

     In the first year of life, children develop attachment with their parents. This attachment develops from repeated interactions in which the baby gives the parent a cue that they have a need, the parents responds to that cue by helping the child meet that need and then the baby responds to the parent’s action. These interactions, when repeated many times over a long period of time, create trust and love.

     Children need to be loved.  Truly loving someone means caring about them, trying to understand their needs and being committed to helping them attain those needs without feeling like you have to personally meet their every need. It means being happy as they grow and become whoever they are, wanting to spend time with them whether sad, happy, fearful or quiet and, most important, enjoying them without trying to change, or control them.

     Children also need to be taught. It is nice when your teacher cares about you, but a teacher doesn’t have to be someone who loves you. Parents naturally get confused because parenting demands that they be both.

         Children need to be fed. Breastfeeding is a healthy, easy, cheap way to feed infants, but it is not the only way – formula works just fine. Children need to be held but they don’t need to be held all day long in a sling. Children need to be changed when they are wet, but they don’t need special diapers.

     The first way that infants cue their parents is crying. It is silly to say, “Don’t let the baby cry” because you have no control over whether another human being cries or not. But when the baby cries, he is giving you a cue that he has a need. It also makes no sense to say, “Allow the baby to cry” if a parent thinks it means “don’t interact in a way that addresses the infant’s needs”. It is easy to know that if the diaper is wet, you should change it and if the child is still crying when he is dry, you offer food. If not wet or hungry, the child may just want to be held and interacted with. But if the infant still cries or falls asleep in your arms, then he is tired. Your job is not to “get him to sleep”. Your job is to allow him to go to sleep. If you continue to try to hold him, you’ll keep waking him up. If you let him fall asleep in your arms and then lay him down, you’ll wake him up. A tired child cries until he goes to sleep because he feels miserable. You can hold and rock him until he settles down, but before he goes to sleep, put him in the crib. He’ll cry, but you can stay for a while, sing to him, talk to him and show him you’re with him as he settles himself down. Don’t hold him all night and don’t co-sleep. Co-sleeping is dangerous and it’s important for you to respect yourself and give yourself the personal time we all need to recharge.

     An excellent source for reasonable advice and helpful information is www.zerotothree.org. Go to the “Behavior and Development” section for free articles on infants and toddlers.