Spanking And Discipline

     Spanking works. No doubt about it. It rapidly stops unwanted behavior. The problem is that it has side effects that parents might not want. In the short term, it causes children to be more aggressive towards other children, siblings and even toward the parent. In the long term, it can make the child sneaky and less likely to admit mistakes. It can also give the child the blueprint for becoming a parent who hits their child. A study of white children 0 to 23 months of age found that the children had worse behavior at 6 years old if they were frequently spanked. Finally, physical punishment must be progressively increased to keep working.

     Spanking is especially ineffective in infants. Under a year of age, infants cannot learn to avoid a behavior by being spanked. They only become frightened of the parent and confused because they have difficulty connecting the behavior to the punishment. That is also true for timeouts at this young age. This does not mean that young infants should not be disciplined. The first way to begin teaching discipline to children under one year of age is simply saying “No” in a serious, firm way that causes the infant to stop the behavior, give a startled look and begin to cry. It is important for parents to realize that this does not mean shouting. Many times I’ve talked with a parent who says, “ I shout and shout and they don’t listen”.  The reason, of course, is that the parent really does just “shout and shout” and they have taught the child to ignore them.  When you say “No”, you will know that the message got across if you see the startle and the tear (“fear and a tear”). But that’s the end – you can immediately comfort the child and go on with your interaction with the infant. When the behavior repeats (and it always does), you do the same thing with the same level of intensity but without any escalation (even if you are feeling frustrated because the child didn’t “learn” the first time). You don’t have to do anything more but you do have to be consistent and say “No” in the same way each time the behavior occurs.

     By one year of age, you’ve taught your child that the word “No” means: “stop the behavior and pay attention to Mom”. Between one and two years of age, you can begin to add simple verbal directions – “No, no hitting” Again, consistency in your reaction is the key. Rather than shouting, you can even decrease the volume as long as the child stops the behavior and clearly pays attention and listens to you.

     After two years of age, the parent can begin using time-outs. Time-outs have been proven to be as effective as spanking without the unwanted side effects. Now the parent can start to add more discussion and explanation. Depending on the toddler’s level of understanding, the parent can also help explore alternative behaviors that may not have resulted in the discipline. This is done in a quiet, sensitive, serious way which conveys to the child that the parent is displeased with the behavior but still clearly shows the parent’s love for the child.

     Once you are dealing with the child on a verbal level, I’ve always felt the “Practical Parenting” program was excellent. You can find it online.