Discipline

     The best way for parents to deal with childhood problems is to anticipate them and then avoid them. This is especially true for discipline problems.

   For most of us, the word discipline has a negative sound, but the word comes from disciple – someone who follows a teacher willingly. Parents are the most important teachers a child will have in his lifetime and most of the way we react to both people and situations comes from what we learned from our parents. Although it sometimes doesn’t feel like it, our children want to please us, copy our behavior and model themselves after us. In short, they want to do what we’ve taught them to do.

    We have to be always aware that any interaction we have with our children will teach them something. This awareness helps us to pause before we react and think about what we want our child to learn from the interaction.

     Sometimes, the lesson is simply love and trust. The child cries and we feed him. But when we want to teach appropriate behavior things can get harder. One behavior might be acceptable in a given circumstance but taken to a different level or placed in a different situation, it may not be acceptable. A lion cub may chew on his mother’s ear for a while and it is tolerated. But, in a while, the mother lets out a frightening roar that startles the cub, sends him rolling and stops the behavior. The cub soon learns the limits of playful behavior.

     A child crying when he is wet or hungry is one thing, but a toddler crying loudly in a store because his mother won’t buy him some candy is something else. It is easy for us as parents to give the positive reinforcements for behavior that is acceptable, but what about discouraging behavior that isn’t?

     Children don’t waste energy. If their behavior results in even a small amount of whatever gain they were looking for, they will continue the behavior. If the behavior is met with no gain at all, or is met with a negative reaction from the parent, the behavior soon stops. One way of teaching is to ignore the child’s behavior – this is the way to deal with temper tantrums. The other way is the word “No” – delivered in a forceful enough way that you see the child stop the behavior, open his eyes wide in fear and then cry.  It is never too young to begin this teaching. All babies pat on adults but, when the pats turn into hitting and biting, take a lesson from mother lion and respond with a “No” that gives the appropriate response( fear and a tear). When that happens, the lesson is over and you can put on your Comforting Parent Hat and give Junior a hug. But keep the Teacher Hat ready – few of us learn something the first time we are taught it and he will probably try to bite you again in a few minutes.

     Don’t say “No” unless you mean it. If you are going to buy the candy if he cries hard enough, don’t say “No” when he first asks for it – just buy it. You can explain consequences to him but make sure you don’t use threats you won’t or can’t fulfill – “I’m leaving you here in the store!” when you have no intention of doing it. Finally don’t let his anger and frustration become your anger and frustration. You stay calm, firm and, yes, loving – by watching your reaction, he is learning how to react the next time he gets frustrated.